The Past Year and Better ME!

Greetings! In all I have an awful lot to write about regarding my past year, but if you want the short, I am well and off my medications, and doing better than I have been in a long time. I am at high levels of production and creativity and only run the risk of not sleeping long enough, ha!

 

A week ago I did get out the mental hospital. The ambulance took me away a week prior to that after I ate some poisonous berries, but they kept me much longer than I needed and would not let me leave until I agreed to take some Haldol. I feel it helped me sleep more, but upon leaving, my appetite has been high and I have reverted to a terrible diet again due to moving around so much and not being settled.

 

Now some back story:

A year and four months ago I decided to take a chance and see what else is out there. I med a great guy at the right time and followed him across the country. Since then we have had many ups and downs, which makes sense since we are both bipolar. Despite any hardships I had along the way, I am grateful I learned to move past the blocks much faster and start actually giving what I know as my capabilities a chance. I stopped taking medications last January when we became engaged and since then I have learned to have fun along the way all the time like I have always wanted. Arts, music, study, spiritual persuits, etc. I am now doing them all and and have things moving along finally. I learned various arts since last year and now have a great time integrating them all like a movie director. Lol.

I am not writing long, but will update my insights and journey as I am working on these other things. If you would like to stay up to date on them please follow @foxx_medicine and check out the facebook page Fox Medicine Craft & Tools ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/200239267057810/ )

Blessings and Love,

Mai

Everyday Test Toward a Positive Me

I was reading in Char Margolis’s book, the one on Wisdom, an excerpt about Masaru Emoto, the water photographer. Masaru’s conjecture revolves around human consciousness resonating outward and supports the whole positive visualization/New Age type movement. In an experiment, he consciously exposed water to different levels of the independent variable and then froze the water. The crystalline structure results were different for each one. According to her book, another experiment was done with a Japanese family and cooked rice put into three different jars. Each jar was exposed to a positive, neutral, and negative force of words. The results were that the positive rotted the slowest, negative the next in the progression, and neutral/ignored rice rotted the fasted. This implies that negative energy, is bad for you, but ignoring yourself is the worse that can happen. There is a lot of psychology around kids being ignored early on in their childhood to think about.

Anyways, I feel as one of those ignored people. I’ve been ignored or bullied since I was a kid, and even as an adult I’m just ignored. People do not talk to me, even if I try to engage them. I’ve become hopeless on many issues. I’m 28 and still single without one significant relationship. Essentially my life sucks. It’s disappointing. And I would let myself take a bullet to the head even if I had a freebie out. And I don’t know how to connect. No one looks at my face twice, but at the same time they don’t forget it,.. Yes, I am that unattractive. I’ve gained so much weight on my meds: officially 75lbs. 

It is safe to say then at this point that yes, I do have poor self esteem, and that is something I do want to change. If I change that, maybe something else will change pleasantly in my life, for I hope so. I’ve lasted this long.

So this is what I am doing. My plan is to for at least two months, stare at myself in the mirror at least once a day, preferably in the morning, look myself over, and then look myself in the eyes and say something positive about myself, even if I do not believe it. Right now I’m telling myself how beautiful I am, even though I don’t believe it. It is day four right now. I do feel a little less anxious about appearing in public and feel a little better in general. So lets see how that goes. If someone else does this, let me know their results.

To help this, I was able to see a dermatologist yesterday. He says he expects significant results in the scarring on my face in three months if I stick to his regimen, so I will stick to it, hoping to not be disappointed. And for all the anxieties, I also got a little xanax, as needed to help. 

I’m meh right now, but I really hope to see significant positive change in my life because I always see it as miserable. 

Talk to me anyone, 

MAI

No No No I Am Not Stable

No no no I am not stable. I thought I was heading in that direction last week and that Depakote would be the answer. So far it has not been. I thought I got over the side effects but I’m not sure what’s happening to me right now. Perhaps it’s the stress overcoming the medications. I can’t stand it! There is chaos everywhere. Here. There. Everywhere!

I thought the Depakote would get rid of the chaos in my head. I’m on Abilify, Prozac, and now Depakote. I’ve been reading and it does say that irregular sleep could be a side effect, but the real effects I’m thinking of have to do with perhaps the anticonvulsant interfering or interacting with the antipsychotics and antidepressants. It does mention that as a possibility, and I do see my doctor this week, so I can share my thoughts with her.

Am I ranting? Yes I’m ranting a bit.

I just needed to get some of that out and more: stressors.

I’m back in school going for another undergraduate degree, this time in Psychology. I already have a B.A. in International Affairs and Economics, but I think that if I get through this degree, the treatments will have worked out and I can be more independent, have more luck and money, be stable(!) and move onto graduate school with little concern for “setbacks” if anyone can understand that.

If not, let me explain. Setbacks are pretty much those stumbling blocks placed in front of you that you actually trip over. Yes you trip. And then you Fall. And you then you lay there until you CAN get back up. Yes, what makes these setbacks worse are when blocks are placed on you while you’re already down, trying to keep you down. Now I’m not sure what to call that. Some of me desires to say “fate” and give up my autonomy, and another part of me just wants to say, “bad luck” plus many phrases that must not be repeated… etcetera etcetera.

Now back to stressors. For me lately, they are school and back luck. In school I have exams coming up and I don’t have the book. I use the course reserves and the books the teacher didn’t get for two and a half weeks or so, meaning that I had/have a week or so with the book(s) to study. Also, I can’t concentrate like this! As for back luck, “someone” randomly reported that they did not like my driving so I have do an eye exam and driving test. I didn’t find this out until about a week and a half ago, and have only 3 more days until my license is suspended… WTF!!! I HATE THIS WORLD!!!!! How can they allow some random person who doesn’t like me to do that? And by random, I suspect my neighbor.

I want to go destroy something.

And also with all the school fees, fines, food, and utilities, my loan money is almost gone. And that job I thought I would get, I did not get… Now what to do…?

I just went from sadness to chaos to rage to more chaos AND rage to wtf to hopeless to hopelessly “what the effe…”

Now What…?

MAI

Stability?

I haven’t written in a while and I think that’s because I have spent tons of time on Reddit, in school, and working on a book with my friend. I have not necessarily been the most stable but for the past three weeks, I have been a bit better than I have in the last 6 months or so. No depressive thoughts and very few manic highs. Yes, there were hints of mania like the agitation. I still get that, at night, so my doctor added a new medication to my already cocktail of Abilify and Prozac.

Just last week I started on Depakote. I am SO VERY GLAD that I have insurance. I saw that without it, the prescription would be about 120 dollars, and I am still on student loan money. At first I was getting really dizzy and got a few heavy headaches, but after day number two, they seem to have disappeared. It makes me just a bit drowsy, but so far it’s not keeping me asleep at night. I don’t know why, but I have not been sleeping well this past week, and before the Depakote, I was doing comparatively well in that arena. I see my doctor next week, so it’s not going to be a big deal for too long. We’ll see what she has to say.

When I was having troubles staying asleep before, my psychologist suggested that I take a long relaxing hot bath and let the water cool on me, which would help make me drowsy and fall asleep… that did not work last night. Instead, I stayed up writing and reading for a few hours before going to sleep again; and today, I feel fine. I’m going to my boring classes, and doing monotonous stuff for 9 hours of the week… Yea, it pains me. Part of me thinks I need more activity and another part thinks I need less.

I’m not sure I’m stable enough for a job, but I did apply for one, and so far I think I may get it. While I’m in school, I would only be doing four hours at this job, but during the summer I may get some great hours. I would need it too in order to support myself, which I’m hardly doing.

Did I mention that in December I had such little money that I ate potatoes every day with perhaps a nice chunk of pasta without enough vegetables and meat? Since then, I have gained about twenty pounds -.- Not good! Two days ago I went and bought sports shoes so I can get exercise. I have been feeling much better since walking at night, but the energy is still there…

If I could just get out some of this extra energy, I think I would be closer to stable… whatever that is.

Speaking of which, I’m not sure what stability is. I know chaos quite intimately…

Tell me what stability is like for you. Thanks! 🙂

MAI

Mixed and Manic Episodes in 2012

Last year I spiraled into a manic episode and refused to notice and acknowledge it until it was far too late. This lasted from late January or early February 2012 to about the beginning of October the same year.

It started around Chinese New Year, from what I can think. About a week before Chinese New Year, I was getting out and I met an old boyfriend from High School. I was just coming out of my depression and found myself on doing naughty things on Skype with him. It started with flirting, and eventually throwing my conservativeness out the window and showing my breast to eventually role playing and masturbating… at the time it was completely unlike me.

On the day of Chinese New Year, I think January 23, I got a private Keratin Hair Treatment. I spent ALL the money I had which was close to $500 dollars on it. I was really pleased with how it came out and as soon as I get a picture of it, I will show it to you; the before and the after. In the store, I flirted with older ladies and people said I looked like a porn star 😛

Anyways, I became extremely promiscuous with the new added confidence. My ex boyfriend I started sleeping with almost every day. It would tire him out and at game shops, he was a gamer, he would complain about how sexual I was… of course THEY looked at HIM like he was crazy. Men should want sex all the time! Hahahahaha!!!!

Things weren’t all honkey dory though. I wanted more and more and more and more sex! I wanted it all the time. I also wanted his commitment and exclusive affections: everything all for me and only me 😦 . This let to conflict and my eventual vindictiveness.

Now one thing I didn’t mention yet is that my ex-boyfriend has a high functioning autistic disorder, depression and anxiety. I used his anxiety to my advantage. At the time I did not think I was doing anything wrong, and that I was most righteously justified in my actions. It started out with a pregnancy scare, but when I found out I wasn’t pregnant, I did not tell him that. Instead, I told him I had a blood disorder that would not allow me to have an abortion, so I would have to carry whatever is there all the way to term. He had a panic attack over the phone and I did not care. I really did not. I knew he would be alright and I just wanted his support. I wanted the caring and nurturing part of him to come out. I also wanted him to get over his fears that his mom would literally kill him. He always says he has the mind of a sixteen year old, but to me, he just did not want to take responsibility for any of his actions and rely on the fact that he has autism. To me, he was just being lazy.

Every facet of his life looked like laziness and I just wanted him to grow up a little bit and be responsible, be more like my ideal man. He had the fun childish streak down, and the humor, and the sex, but not the maturity.

At this time, he still hates me for that, and won’t talk to me for that, and for one other thing: outing him to his mom. I called him a misogynistic something or other in an email to his mom, pissed off and everything. I never told her about the pregnancy scare or the fun and interesting things we did sexually, but I just claimed that he used me for his own ends and did not care. Apparently she rode him HARD for that and he hates me for that.

Things did not end there. At home I was having a hard time there. I could not stand the noise. I could not talk to anyone. At home I never showered and at one point when I was there for two weeks, I shat in a bucket, and did not eat, and I did not talk to anyone. No one understood me, not even my best friend. Not to mention the repetition of everything was getting on my nerves hard. I also got paranoid about someone trying to blow up my car. Every time I got in my car I was scared for my life. I told my general practitioner of internal medicine doctor about this and she prescribed me Xanax. I was scared of being addicted to benzodiazepines so I took very few, if any at all.

I got into arguments with my mother semi regularly at this point, as usual, but this only made me only closer to the void within me. I was so depressed I contemplated suicide on a regular basis. During the weeks that I left my room only when everyone was gone, I dumped the shit and piss down the toilet and would wash my clothes, but still not shower.  I was completely unstable at this point. I wanted freedom and all the high I had before.

After those two weeks of internal solitude, I went out to a plaza and sat in the darkness of Starbucks drawing. I started feeling free again and wanted to go buy things, but had no money, literally. I saw a 2k platinum and diamond heart pendant and chain that I really wanted. I was ready to set up a payment plan, but I got distracted by the rain plus I had nothing to start a down payment plan with. I was feeling grand again, and very important, but empty at the same time.

At home, in my room, I started dissociating again, and I could not do anything. I gave up on life and had all my pills ready, when I received a text from my ex-boyfriend’s mom asking how I was. I told her the truth, that I was ready to commit suicide. She talked me through and out of that moment and the next day we met up for coffee and lattes at Dunkin Donuts when she had a break during work. She is a counselor at a public school for autistic children.

During the meeting, she revealed to me much about her past and I even cried a few times. She is a person who has been through a lot of shit and has made it this far, working hard for God, herself, and her children. She inspired me. She told me to start over and I said I was going to, and she gave me a gift of 100 dollars. The meeting was renewing, but I was still confused… what would I do? I knew I needed to get out of the house.

My initial plan was to find a new apartment, but the conflict at home with my mother got worse. The next morning, we got in a fight and she said something about I could just leave, and so I packed some stuff and left. I went to another of my best friend’s house and her and I had lunch, on her, and she gave me forty dollars. I revealed to her that I was leaving for as long as I could and I meant for good. We cried and bonded and cried some more before I left. I went straight toward my old college town, Tallahassee.

The entire drive I was happy and sad and excited and down… The arduous drive from south Florida was nothing in the moments of ecstasy and expansion, but grinding in the moments of depression. My mom probably thought I went to my friend’s house locally to stay, because for two weeks she did not know that I was in Tallahassee. It was my brother who told her where I was at.

I made it and I was glad. I went to a friend’s house with about 20 dollars left, because the 120 dollars were all put in for gas, and couch surfed. We will call my friends T and B, since letters are easier to remember than numbers. Lol. It was T’s parents’ house and those parents were out most of the day. At night T and I got drunk and had sex out in the garden. In my time of expansion it was magical, especially being out in such a great back yard. In the morning we had sex again and I felt so relaxed around him. He did not care that I would take a piss out in the yard rather than in the bathroom. I mean, it IS quite unlady-like… LoL.

A day or two later I got some acid and tripped the Fuck out! I tripped Really Really hard at a T’s friend’s house, M. I had to be detained numerous times, and even broke the leg of table. B took the initiative, challenge, or whatever you want to call it in detaining me. I say whatever because he immensely enjoyed it, or so I thought. During my tripping episode, B decided to try to extend his manipulative powers over me, and say, “I am God”, testing the malleability of my mind, but I interpreted that as ‘I AM GOD,’ literally me. Ha! and the only want to communicate with me was through purring…

Now my tripping episode is a completely different story. It would make this post probably a thousand words longer. Hahaha, so I will leave it out. Just know that I tripped really hard that night.

The next day I had no regrets. M found out about T and I that night during my tripping, and felt the need to tell me that her and T had sex that night. I did not care. It just meant for me, that I needed to move on, and that is what I did. I went to his friend B. Now B is quite sexy. I was attracted to him and T at the same time, but now T was eliminated, I was free to sex B all that I liked, and that is what happened.

B and I stuck together for a long time. We went places, played Magic the Gathering, and had copious amounts of sex in public places. And he was able to keep up with my sexual needs, and give me the emotional closeness I required, though not an exclusively defined relationship. I was fine with that though. We were both homeless and was around the city quite a bit.

At some point, I talked to my old psychologist and he told me that I should get back into school as a special student. I applied just a day later and within two days I was back in school for the Fall semester. At this time, it is early June. For July, B and I got an apartment, but I was having anxieties and could not sleep well because the area was noisy at night because of other residents, and noisy early in the morning because of nearby construction.

During this month of July, B and I were apart for a week because we were fighting. I was in an agitated manic phase and snapped at about everything. By myself I was fine, and at other times very depressed. I remember going to church one day, and it was great. I was lifted and felt fine. I got home, and almost immediately started swallowing every pill I had with Kaluah and Vodka. I had about 25 prozac, 60 something Xanax, a bottle of aspirin, and what was left of ibuprofen.  This resulted in me being in a coma for three days, that’s four days before my birthday. At some point I woke for a second and called my landlord on the third day. He said something about sending a doctor and I passed out again. The next time I woke I said “doctor” and “the landlord is sending his doctor to me,” and passed out again. The time after that I woke, I was put in a stretcher, in the back of an ambulance with my eyes partly open and seeing B looking at me. I said I wanted him with me and passed out again. The next time I woke up, I was in a hospital bed in a private room and B was sitting right there next to me. I felt more calm but just surprised I was awake.

I spent tremendous amounts of time wondering why I was still alive. I woke from a coma, and all my labs were normal. There was not a trace of anything in my system, not even the Benzodiazepines.

That night out of the hospital, though I was on bad terms with T, B and I went to spend time with him and his gay friend. I eventually found myself in a room sized custom shower naked with B, T, and the other guy, with the other guy giving blow jobs and me making out with T and B, left and right. No sex, but fondling each other. Later, out of the shower, I was still having fun with T. We were making out and fondling each other under the covers while B and the other guy watched the X-files and eventually going to sleep early in the morning.

The next night I went to a friend’s party and brought B and T along. T really like my friend and I did not mind, for I found someone interesting of my own. His name is “the Fox.” I call him that because he acts like one, has blonde hair that he dyes red, and acts like a fox. I have to keep a tab on him. Lol. He is quite coy, and about 7 years youger than me. Age does not matter though. We had an automatic connection and spend the night together cuddled up in a living room bed. I remember the initiation. We talked yes, but it was when I was looking at him. I felt this predatory influence in me. He was laying down on the floor and I pounced slowly on him… then I sprung on him! I choked and kissed him at the same time… It was so very hot for me, and he liked it! I could just tell him and I had some kind of connection…

The night after that night, I went to another party the fox and my friend invited me to. My friend told me to not bring T. He got too drunk, and my friend was not very interested in him… he ruined it himself… Anyways, B and I went to a house warming party. I did not know that and thought it was jut a pot luck so I brought lucky charms… the crows were silent. I was convinced I made a right choice and no one understood me, but my fox was there, so that was all that mattered. I participated in games and other conversations, but I spend more time trying to keep B in check, making sure he is not picking up other women (though he was not), and having moments with the fox. At one point, all three of us were on a bed in the open room, a little tipsy. I had B on my right, and the fox on my left, and I made out with both of them interchangeably. I had SO MUCH FUN!!!! The host liked me. The hostess did not. And still does not, I am sure.

Then my birthday came and went. I went to lunch with another one of my friends while B spent time with T, but he was afraid to leave me alone, but for good reason. I did not tell him, but intermittently, I was still having dark thoughts of suicide mixed in with all my agitation.

At the end of July, the landlord was kind enough to let us out of the lease as long as we found another person for the lease. I found interested people but no one to commit. Hahaha. It helped that the unit was the one most recently renovated, and in the end the landlord found someone.

Then B and I were homeless again. We stayed in a hotel with the deposit money for two weeks, and then for two more week were homeless. My agitation got worse during the hotel period and afterward. I got sick. And when I got well I was agitated even more. During the two weeks after being in the hotel, this is Mid-August at this point, B and I progressed into equal agitations and more. At some point he broke my glasses and I called the cops on him, and I said things that he hated hearing and he hit me, resulting in me kicking him out my car and telling him to go home with some woman we met some time before at a café, which he did. Yes, he did go home with her, and two days later he went home to North Carolina.

I was glad I did not have to deal with him, but I was lonely again, and my agitations did not decrease. I managed to get housing for free initially and then for the cost of utilities. School started and I was still manic. I started seeing counselors at the counseling center while waiting a few weeks until I could get into my appointment at the Health and Wellness’s Psychiatric clinic with my old ARNP. Someone I started seeing at the counseling center decided to push hard to get me into an early appointment because I clearly needed medications. I was clearly manic.

I was able to get into the clinic a week and a half early, with a different person, a M.D., and start on Abilify. It helped, but it did not really start working well for another few weeks when the dose was upped. I had many of the side effects initially, so I had to start extremely low. Now I am on 5mg abilify and 10-20mg Prozac. In a few weeks my psychiatrist, plans to put me on Depakote.

ADHD ruling is to come in a few weeks. I was just tested a few days ago at the Adult Learning and Evaluation Center.

Well that was my past year in mania and depression. If I remember something, like some of the specifics of why B and I ended up in a fight, I will post them. I guess it is important to know that I am relatively stabilized now, but I get break through episodes still. I still get hypersexual and impulsive with my spending, and I still get extremely depressed. I ruined a number of friendships this year, but it helps now that I have a support group, new friends, goals, things to do, and this blog 🙂

Let me know what you think!

MAI

 

My Breakthrough Manic Episode

I would not rank myself under the “mentally interesting” having had many diagnoses or anything. Well perhaps I will soon. My psychiatrist thinks I also have ADHD, and I clearly have an OCD thing going on, but those are another story.

I am writing about what lead up to my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder I.

I think for a few years prior if not more, I had symptoms of hypomania and depression interchangeably. Looking back in journals, AOL chats, and emails, I clearly see what I did not know existed until the late Fall of 2009.

So what happened in 2009? In October of that year, I started seeing a Psychologist because I began recognizing that I had relationship issues. I did not know how to connect with people and it was bothering me. I had no previous romantic relationship either, only to find out much later, this year, that I was just oblivious to the men who were interested in me. Anyways, looking back at my psychologist’s notes, he initially expected I had a personality disorder. Well that makes sense. I was always in his office discussing my issues with guys, my confusion about my major, and jumping topics to what I found interesting, like Des Cartes. After a few sessions, seeing many of my moods, he started suspecting a mood disorder and advised me to see a psychiatrist. I of course did not at the time.

Only a month later was I forced to see a Psychiatrist.

For two weeks I was a genius on top of the world! I created a theory of time, space, and the structure of the universe based on shapes, numbers, and the human organism structure. It sounds very coherent now, but that’s because I have discussed this before and the idea gets a little more clearer each time. Actually, looking at my notes, I do not understand at the moment. In my psychologist office I would make profound statements, and that’s how I learned about Rene Des Cartes, because my psychologist said I sounded like him.

Outside the office I was even more of a genius. I went to my exams and answer each one in one phrase or diagram that would explain everything. (I was an economics major and it all was too clear and I made it simple). I was walking around my college campus getting energy and nutrients from the sun, and not food. Yea, I really didn’t need food. By the time I was hospitalized, I’d lost about 15-20lbs.  I was also not sleeping. I lost track of all time eventually and what turned out to be a week was actually in my head about 3 days or less.

At home I would shake my head to give myself purple eyes and in the shower I regressed into childhood. Outside my room I dissociated and out of fear started punching walls and breaking dishes in order to feel real, that I existed. Eventually I found I had no sense of time, and I found myself walking around the entire city, to scaring people in a Wendy’s drive thru and restaurant, to abandoning my backpack for freedom. I was on a mission too. I was some kind of time and dimension lord that had to keep the planes aligned. My roommate was a sort of time jumper that gathered the artifacts I needed to keep up with my role in keeping the dimensions together. I also found myself standing at a bus stop for hours waiting for him, thinking that I missed him, while I stared at all the drones who don’t know they’re being controlled.

I started to move again. I started following intuitions and voices told me of all the promises the universe would give me, such as the romance I wanted with my roommate. I managed to cross 4 lanes of streets multiple times without getting hit, and eventually making it back to my apartment, which by then I was extremely paranoid. When I opened the door, I noticed one of the roommates bike was not in the living room and it bothered me. This roommate was at the top of the organization known as Intel that kept track of people and controlled them on many levels. Think of control where people and power fit the shape of a pyramid. Right at the top was this roommate and I thought he was trying to control me. I confronted him about the bike, and he claims to have been scared of me. Though I was leaving his room, he stabbed me in the back and on the side.

Soon enough, the police showed up and cuffed me to a chair. I went batshit! I was scared. My roommate had the police controlled too and they would not believe that I did not attack him. I was the one bleeding too! There were all kinds of lights and another officer showed up… and soon EMTs. I kept trying to get away. They wanted to look at my wound, but at the time I thought they were trying to gang rape me so I screamed that I was a virgin. The entire experience was intense. Someone or two of them pinned me down while another cut my cocktail dress and bra off me to look at the wound. Of course, I did not think that. I was still scared they were going to rape me. I was screaming and crying and convulsing and everything. The bright lights did not help. It also did not help that my roommate’s girlfriend came by to say something or other that I do not remember. (I think she broke up with this roommate because she didn’t want to be involved with such a violent guy, one who’d stab a lady and lie about the cause/reason/interactions).

Anyways, I lost consciousness for a moment, and when I woke, I was being lifted down the stairs on a stretcher by four guys. Then I fell asleep again. And when I awoke, I realized I was cuffed to the stretcher. I tried to slip my hands and feet out, but someone caught me and they held my limbs down, and shot me with something. If I look at the hospital record again, I’ll know what… laying down naked, I tried to flirt with the guy holding my hands by rubbing his gently… It didn’t work. (lol).

After getting stitched up, which I don’t remember, I was sent to the psychiatric hospital, and stayed their for a week. The psychologist there said he didn’t know what was wrong with me. But after release, I promptly stopped taking the antipsychotics and as promised saw a specialist at my school. The psychiatric nurse, familiar with bipolar disorder diagnosed me with bipolar I disorder, my psychologist did as well, both independent of each other.

I decided to stop taking medications and became agitated and paranoid again. This time the CIA was after me and wanted to lock me up in the state prison. I started seeing signs everywhere that they wanted to as well. I called my mom and she drove with her friend 8 hours to the city I was in to get me. Upon returning, after going to the hospital, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital voluntarily…but I left after two days. I was too scared… and what pissed me off was that my drawings were stolen…

At home, I was so scared I didn’t eat or leave the bed and when my mom left I got even more scared. A few days later I finally showered, and came down a bit. I was still hearing electricity and the intricacies of sounds, including calling of the winds with my violin. Yes, and it so happened to storm when I decided to do this…  I think after the second shower, I came down tremendously and came close to normal. I also took the antipsychotic and antidepressant prescribed to help bring me down.

Eventually I want too far down…

I was advised to just take a sabbatical from school, but I wanted to finish school. I was again in a manic state because I took less of the antipsychotic. I started seeing a psychiatrist and with the prescriptions, I actually started getting more and more depressed and gained about 20lbs in weight. It was horrendous, but that was my episode break through.

Btw, in a year I finished school, with the support of my psychologist, school accommodations, and psychiatric medications, despite the many side effects.

The next post might be about the manic episode I had recently and how I got back into school this past year…

Let me know how bad you want to read it. Haha!

MAI

 

Personal – Loneliness Tonight 1/05/13

Lonely. That is what I feel right now. There is not much going on. I have not been as productive as I wanted to be today. I feel like cuddling right now, not having any conversation in particular, except with my body and mood. I just want to melt into some warm arms, with someone I do connect with. I do not want anything contrived or desperate… but I kind of am. I do not feel the usual wanting to just be not anywhere like I would usually in this situation… I want to belong in someone’s arms.

I am feeling feelings. When does this happen…? I am not sure. It must not be often enough. What is distracting me from my feelings? Or specifically these kinds of feelings… I am not flat, but I also don’t have that wave of inspiration I do have right after depression. I’ll head home and paint now…

But first, I have a pet. He is so sweet, making me smile like this>> I asked him to send me a picture of his sorry face and the picture reply had a color wheel covering his face. Hahahaha! Laughter is good medicine.

I guess I just have to deal with my empty house tonight. Just my cat and I, though I’d prefer a human companion tonight…

Here is Ed Sheeran’s “Give me love.”

 

Hyper-Sexual Activity A

This post is most different from the rest. That is my warning.

I’ve been playing with the idea of becoming a professional dominatrix recently. I do need more activity in my life. I cannot do the heavy cardio stuff or anything that puts too much pressure on my knees because I have a ruptured ACL. It means that my knee can collapse very easily. I wear a very expensive knee brace on a daily basis for this. Anyways, it means I’ve also just been doing light things like lifting with my arms and going for long walks, not runs or jogs.

Recently I have been toying with the idea of becoming a professional dominatrix. I have an account on fetlife if you want to find me. I need more physical activity to get out frustrations and whipping a willing slave has been working for me lately; And ordering them around too… I find myself needing variety. It’s not enough to just have 4 or 5 slaves… I want a harem.

Does this sound odd or weird? I am inclined to believe that most people have some sort of “kink,” and my encounters, only affirm all this. Yes, I keep a tab on this, but I won’t reveal it just yet. Tee hee!

Another view is that perhaps I am emotionally immature not wanting commitment just yet. I am ready to move to the next level of my life, having kids and all, but I still want to live out my fantasies and participate and all my fetishes. So perhaps I just have not found the right person yet. Hahahha. One who can do all this and more. Then again, does it really have to be looked at as a maturity issue? I don’t think so. It all is just really spice in my curry or spice in my soup.

I guess conventional would be the bland taste. Of course I have nothing against conventional, because it fits in very well when I am tired of doing so much :p

This post will be related to a post I have in the future about hyper-sexuality. Hyper-sexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder, but I think even in control of my impulses and not either manic or depressed, I am quite sexual. Hahaha!

I guess it may be important to say right here that I practice safe sex. I do not have sex with all my slaves. We all get tested. And we all have developed a relationship based on trust and commitment to our health and well being.

Side-note over… and back to hyper-sexuality. My doctor thinks my hyper-sexuality is a symptom and wants to prescribe me a mood stabilizer. We’ll get to medications soon as well. I wonder what will happen… sigh. I want to still have fun… and I’m sure I can do it in an exclusive relationship too… wow look, another topic for the future! Lol.

Talk to yall soon,

MAI

Having an Open Mind

Do you want people to WANT to speak to you and share their inner most secrets? If yes, then the answer is simple; have an open mind and be non-judgmental. It helps to want to help them!  But having an open mind does not stop there. If you want to be heard, it is also good to have an open mind to all answers and possibilities including the things we do not want to hear.

I am one of those people that you may observe on the bus, public transportation, listening to a random person divulge their life story. I think it is because I invite these things. A person may say one thing, but I am quite curious, I ask the person exactly what I want to know, and I listen well. Sometimes you have to “listen between the lines.” People may say one thing, but the expressions on their face, or the tone of their voice, may imply more or something completely different, say in the case of sarcasm, but that is an obvious example. In terms of expression, looked for a pained wrinkled face, downcast (sad) eyes, hopeful (bright) eyes, and any bits of stuttering (<which can indicate lack of assurity or straight lying). There are other facial expressions, but I seem to only be able to name the obvious ones right now. Haha! As for tones, look for large intonation fluxuations and sentence ending with upper or lower intonation (uppy/cheery/happy vs down/sad/negative). Look for the texture of words, how intense certain words are spoken. This could reveal mood and emotional disposition. Words like “hate” can be spoken so terse in a way to suggest not just “hate” but an intense “hate” where the person feels immensely wronged like an injustice had been bestowed upon them.

Also in having an open mind, be willing to receive any kind of story and criticisms. Some things just needs to get out and you could be that awesomely privileged person to hear it all 😉 I am not saying be overly agreeable though. People can see through yours lies unconsciously, and there is where they would be not sure to trust you, and thus not sure to open up to you, unless they are just that sort of person… haha. AND also again… do not repeat what you hear.  This builds rapport with your new friend.

Really, keep up all these good points! We all love people like this. Don’t you agree 😉

I hope this helps! and please donate.

MAI

P.S. My juice is all funky today