Everyday Test Toward a Positive Me

I was reading in Char Margolis’s book, the one on Wisdom, an excerpt about Masaru Emoto, the water photographer. Masaru’s conjecture revolves around human consciousness resonating outward and supports the whole positive visualization/New Age type movement. In an experiment, he consciously exposed water to different levels of the independent variable and then froze the water. The crystalline structure results were different for each one. According to her book, another experiment was done with a Japanese family and cooked rice put into three different jars. Each jar was exposed to a positive, neutral, and negative force of words. The results were that the positive rotted the slowest, negative the next in the progression, and neutral/ignored rice rotted the fasted. This implies that negative energy, is bad for you, but ignoring yourself is the worse that can happen. There is a lot of psychology around kids being ignored early on in their childhood to think about.

Anyways, I feel as one of those ignored people. I’ve been ignored or bullied since I was a kid, and even as an adult I’m just ignored. People do not talk to me, even if I try to engage them. I’ve become hopeless on many issues. I’m 28 and still single without one significant relationship. Essentially my life sucks. It’s disappointing. And I would let myself take a bullet to the head even if I had a freebie out. And I don’t know how to connect. No one looks at my face twice, but at the same time they don’t forget it,.. Yes, I am that unattractive. I’ve gained so much weight on my meds: officially 75lbs. 

It is safe to say then at this point that yes, I do have poor self esteem, and that is something I do want to change. If I change that, maybe something else will change pleasantly in my life, for I hope so. I’ve lasted this long.

So this is what I am doing. My plan is to for at least two months, stare at myself in the mirror at least once a day, preferably in the morning, look myself over, and then look myself in the eyes and say something positive about myself, even if I do not believe it. Right now I’m telling myself how beautiful I am, even though I don’t believe it. It is day four right now. I do feel a little less anxious about appearing in public and feel a little better in general. So lets see how that goes. If someone else does this, let me know their results.

To help this, I was able to see a dermatologist yesterday. He says he expects significant results in the scarring on my face in three months if I stick to his regimen, so I will stick to it, hoping to not be disappointed. And for all the anxieties, I also got a little xanax, as needed to help. 

I’m meh right now, but I really hope to see significant positive change in my life because I always see it as miserable. 

Talk to me anyone, 

MAI

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