Last year I spiraled into a manic episode and refused to notice and acknowledge it until it was far too late. This lasted from late January or early February 2012 to about the beginning of October the same year.
It started around Chinese New Year, from what I can think. About a week before Chinese New Year, I was getting out and I met an old boyfriend from High School. I was just coming out of my depression and found myself on doing naughty things on Skype with him. It started with flirting, and eventually throwing my conservativeness out the window and showing my breast to eventually role playing and masturbating… at the time it was completely unlike me.
On the day of Chinese New Year, I think January 23, I got a private Keratin Hair Treatment. I spent ALL the money I had which was close to $500 dollars on it. I was really pleased with how it came out and as soon as I get a picture of it, I will show it to you; the before and the after. In the store, I flirted with older ladies and people said I looked like a porn star 😛
Anyways, I became extremely promiscuous with the new added confidence. My ex boyfriend I started sleeping with almost every day. It would tire him out and at game shops, he was a gamer, he would complain about how sexual I was… of course THEY looked at HIM like he was crazy. Men should want sex all the time! Hahahahaha!!!!
Things weren’t all honkey dory though. I wanted more and more and more and more sex! I wanted it all the time. I also wanted his commitment and exclusive affections: everything all for me and only me 😦 . This let to conflict and my eventual vindictiveness.
Now one thing I didn’t mention yet is that my ex-boyfriend has a high functioning autistic disorder, depression and anxiety. I used his anxiety to my advantage. At the time I did not think I was doing anything wrong, and that I was most righteously justified in my actions. It started out with a pregnancy scare, but when I found out I wasn’t pregnant, I did not tell him that. Instead, I told him I had a blood disorder that would not allow me to have an abortion, so I would have to carry whatever is there all the way to term. He had a panic attack over the phone and I did not care. I really did not. I knew he would be alright and I just wanted his support. I wanted the caring and nurturing part of him to come out. I also wanted him to get over his fears that his mom would literally kill him. He always says he has the mind of a sixteen year old, but to me, he just did not want to take responsibility for any of his actions and rely on the fact that he has autism. To me, he was just being lazy.
Every facet of his life looked like laziness and I just wanted him to grow up a little bit and be responsible, be more like my ideal man. He had the fun childish streak down, and the humor, and the sex, but not the maturity.
At this time, he still hates me for that, and won’t talk to me for that, and for one other thing: outing him to his mom. I called him a misogynistic something or other in an email to his mom, pissed off and everything. I never told her about the pregnancy scare or the fun and interesting things we did sexually, but I just claimed that he used me for his own ends and did not care. Apparently she rode him HARD for that and he hates me for that.
Things did not end there. At home I was having a hard time there. I could not stand the noise. I could not talk to anyone. At home I never showered and at one point when I was there for two weeks, I shat in a bucket, and did not eat, and I did not talk to anyone. No one understood me, not even my best friend. Not to mention the repetition of everything was getting on my nerves hard. I also got paranoid about someone trying to blow up my car. Every time I got in my car I was scared for my life. I told my general practitioner of internal medicine doctor about this and she prescribed me Xanax. I was scared of being addicted to benzodiazepines so I took very few, if any at all.
I got into arguments with my mother semi regularly at this point, as usual, but this only made me only closer to the void within me. I was so depressed I contemplated suicide on a regular basis. During the weeks that I left my room only when everyone was gone, I dumped the shit and piss down the toilet and would wash my clothes, but still not shower. I was completely unstable at this point. I wanted freedom and all the high I had before.
After those two weeks of internal solitude, I went out to a plaza and sat in the darkness of Starbucks drawing. I started feeling free again and wanted to go buy things, but had no money, literally. I saw a 2k platinum and diamond heart pendant and chain that I really wanted. I was ready to set up a payment plan, but I got distracted by the rain plus I had nothing to start a down payment plan with. I was feeling grand again, and very important, but empty at the same time.
At home, in my room, I started dissociating again, and I could not do anything. I gave up on life and had all my pills ready, when I received a text from my ex-boyfriend’s mom asking how I was. I told her the truth, that I was ready to commit suicide. She talked me through and out of that moment and the next day we met up for coffee and lattes at Dunkin Donuts when she had a break during work. She is a counselor at a public school for autistic children.
During the meeting, she revealed to me much about her past and I even cried a few times. She is a person who has been through a lot of shit and has made it this far, working hard for God, herself, and her children. She inspired me. She told me to start over and I said I was going to, and she gave me a gift of 100 dollars. The meeting was renewing, but I was still confused… what would I do? I knew I needed to get out of the house.
My initial plan was to find a new apartment, but the conflict at home with my mother got worse. The next morning, we got in a fight and she said something about I could just leave, and so I packed some stuff and left. I went to another of my best friend’s house and her and I had lunch, on her, and she gave me forty dollars. I revealed to her that I was leaving for as long as I could and I meant for good. We cried and bonded and cried some more before I left. I went straight toward my old college town, Tallahassee.
The entire drive I was happy and sad and excited and down… The arduous drive from south Florida was nothing in the moments of ecstasy and expansion, but grinding in the moments of depression. My mom probably thought I went to my friend’s house locally to stay, because for two weeks she did not know that I was in Tallahassee. It was my brother who told her where I was at.
I made it and I was glad. I went to a friend’s house with about 20 dollars left, because the 120 dollars were all put in for gas, and couch surfed. We will call my friends T and B, since letters are easier to remember than numbers. Lol. It was T’s parents’ house and those parents were out most of the day. At night T and I got drunk and had sex out in the garden. In my time of expansion it was magical, especially being out in such a great back yard. In the morning we had sex again and I felt so relaxed around him. He did not care that I would take a piss out in the yard rather than in the bathroom. I mean, it IS quite unlady-like… LoL.
A day or two later I got some acid and tripped the Fuck out! I tripped Really Really hard at a T’s friend’s house, M. I had to be detained numerous times, and even broke the leg of table. B took the initiative, challenge, or whatever you want to call it in detaining me. I say whatever because he immensely enjoyed it, or so I thought. During my tripping episode, B decided to try to extend his manipulative powers over me, and say, “I am God”, testing the malleability of my mind, but I interpreted that as ‘I AM GOD,’ literally me. Ha! and the only want to communicate with me was through purring…
Now my tripping episode is a completely different story. It would make this post probably a thousand words longer. Hahaha, so I will leave it out. Just know that I tripped really hard that night.
The next day I had no regrets. M found out about T and I that night during my tripping, and felt the need to tell me that her and T had sex that night. I did not care. It just meant for me, that I needed to move on, and that is what I did. I went to his friend B. Now B is quite sexy. I was attracted to him and T at the same time, but now T was eliminated, I was free to sex B all that I liked, and that is what happened.
B and I stuck together for a long time. We went places, played Magic the Gathering, and had copious amounts of sex in public places. And he was able to keep up with my sexual needs, and give me the emotional closeness I required, though not an exclusively defined relationship. I was fine with that though. We were both homeless and was around the city quite a bit.
At some point, I talked to my old psychologist and he told me that I should get back into school as a special student. I applied just a day later and within two days I was back in school for the Fall semester. At this time, it is early June. For July, B and I got an apartment, but I was having anxieties and could not sleep well because the area was noisy at night because of other residents, and noisy early in the morning because of nearby construction.
During this month of July, B and I were apart for a week because we were fighting. I was in an agitated manic phase and snapped at about everything. By myself I was fine, and at other times very depressed. I remember going to church one day, and it was great. I was lifted and felt fine. I got home, and almost immediately started swallowing every pill I had with Kaluah and Vodka. I had about 25 prozac, 60 something Xanax, a bottle of aspirin, and what was left of ibuprofen. This resulted in me being in a coma for three days, that’s four days before my birthday. At some point I woke for a second and called my landlord on the third day. He said something about sending a doctor and I passed out again. The next time I woke I said “doctor” and “the landlord is sending his doctor to me,” and passed out again. The time after that I woke, I was put in a stretcher, in the back of an ambulance with my eyes partly open and seeing B looking at me. I said I wanted him with me and passed out again. The next time I woke up, I was in a hospital bed in a private room and B was sitting right there next to me. I felt more calm but just surprised I was awake.
I spent tremendous amounts of time wondering why I was still alive. I woke from a coma, and all my labs were normal. There was not a trace of anything in my system, not even the Benzodiazepines.
That night out of the hospital, though I was on bad terms with T, B and I went to spend time with him and his gay friend. I eventually found myself in a room sized custom shower naked with B, T, and the other guy, with the other guy giving blow jobs and me making out with T and B, left and right. No sex, but fondling each other. Later, out of the shower, I was still having fun with T. We were making out and fondling each other under the covers while B and the other guy watched the X-files and eventually going to sleep early in the morning.
The next night I went to a friend’s party and brought B and T along. T really like my friend and I did not mind, for I found someone interesting of my own. His name is “the Fox.” I call him that because he acts like one, has blonde hair that he dyes red, and acts like a fox. I have to keep a tab on him. Lol. He is quite coy, and about 7 years youger than me. Age does not matter though. We had an automatic connection and spend the night together cuddled up in a living room bed. I remember the initiation. We talked yes, but it was when I was looking at him. I felt this predatory influence in me. He was laying down on the floor and I pounced slowly on him… then I sprung on him! I choked and kissed him at the same time… It was so very hot for me, and he liked it! I could just tell him and I had some kind of connection…
The night after that night, I went to another party the fox and my friend invited me to. My friend told me to not bring T. He got too drunk, and my friend was not very interested in him… he ruined it himself… Anyways, B and I went to a house warming party. I did not know that and thought it was jut a pot luck so I brought lucky charms… the crows were silent. I was convinced I made a right choice and no one understood me, but my fox was there, so that was all that mattered. I participated in games and other conversations, but I spend more time trying to keep B in check, making sure he is not picking up other women (though he was not), and having moments with the fox. At one point, all three of us were on a bed in the open room, a little tipsy. I had B on my right, and the fox on my left, and I made out with both of them interchangeably. I had SO MUCH FUN!!!! The host liked me. The hostess did not. And still does not, I am sure.
Then my birthday came and went. I went to lunch with another one of my friends while B spent time with T, but he was afraid to leave me alone, but for good reason. I did not tell him, but intermittently, I was still having dark thoughts of suicide mixed in with all my agitation.
At the end of July, the landlord was kind enough to let us out of the lease as long as we found another person for the lease. I found interested people but no one to commit. Hahaha. It helped that the unit was the one most recently renovated, and in the end the landlord found someone.
Then B and I were homeless again. We stayed in a hotel with the deposit money for two weeks, and then for two more week were homeless. My agitation got worse during the hotel period and afterward. I got sick. And when I got well I was agitated even more. During the two weeks after being in the hotel, this is Mid-August at this point, B and I progressed into equal agitations and more. At some point he broke my glasses and I called the cops on him, and I said things that he hated hearing and he hit me, resulting in me kicking him out my car and telling him to go home with some woman we met some time before at a café, which he did. Yes, he did go home with her, and two days later he went home to North Carolina.
I was glad I did not have to deal with him, but I was lonely again, and my agitations did not decrease. I managed to get housing for free initially and then for the cost of utilities. School started and I was still manic. I started seeing counselors at the counseling center while waiting a few weeks until I could get into my appointment at the Health and Wellness’s Psychiatric clinic with my old ARNP. Someone I started seeing at the counseling center decided to push hard to get me into an early appointment because I clearly needed medications. I was clearly manic.
I was able to get into the clinic a week and a half early, with a different person, a M.D., and start on Abilify. It helped, but it did not really start working well for another few weeks when the dose was upped. I had many of the side effects initially, so I had to start extremely low. Now I am on 5mg abilify and 10-20mg Prozac. In a few weeks my psychiatrist, plans to put me on Depakote.
ADHD ruling is to come in a few weeks. I was just tested a few days ago at the Adult Learning and Evaluation Center.
Well that was my past year in mania and depression. If I remember something, like some of the specifics of why B and I ended up in a fight, I will post them. I guess it is important to know that I am relatively stabilized now, but I get break through episodes still. I still get hypersexual and impulsive with my spending, and I still get extremely depressed. I ruined a number of friendships this year, but it helps now that I have a support group, new friends, goals, things to do, and this blog 🙂
Let me know what you think!