No No No I Am Not Stable

No no no I am not stable. I thought I was heading in that direction last week and that Depakote would be the answer. So far it has not been. I thought I got over the side effects but I’m not sure what’s happening to me right now. Perhaps it’s the stress overcoming the medications. I can’t stand it! There is chaos everywhere. Here. There. Everywhere!

I thought the Depakote would get rid of the chaos in my head. I’m on Abilify, Prozac, and now Depakote. I’ve been reading and it does say that irregular sleep could be a side effect, but the real effects I’m thinking of have to do with perhaps the anticonvulsant interfering or interacting with the antipsychotics and antidepressants. It does mention that as a possibility, and I do see my doctor this week, so I can share my thoughts with her.

Am I ranting? Yes I’m ranting a bit.

I just needed to get some of that out and more: stressors.

I’m back in school going for another undergraduate degree, this time in Psychology. I already have a B.A. in International Affairs and Economics, but I think that if I get through this degree, the treatments will have worked out and I can be more independent, have more luck and money, be stable(!) and move onto graduate school with little concern for “setbacks” if anyone can understand that.

If not, let me explain. Setbacks are pretty much those stumbling blocks placed in front of you that you actually trip over. Yes you trip. And then you Fall. And you then you lay there until you CAN get back up. Yes, what makes these setbacks worse are when blocks are placed on you while you’re already down, trying to keep you down. Now I’m not sure what to call that. Some of me desires to say “fate” and give up my autonomy, and another part of me just wants to say, “bad luck” plus many phrases that must not be repeated… etcetera etcetera.

Now back to stressors. For me lately, they are school and back luck. In school I have exams coming up and I don’t have the book. I use the course reserves and the books the teacher didn’t get for two and a half weeks or so, meaning that I had/have a week or so with the book(s) to study. Also, I can’t concentrate like this! As for back luck, “someone” randomly reported that they did not like my driving so I have do an eye exam and driving test. I didn’t find this out until about a week and a half ago, and have only 3 more days until my license is suspended… WTF!!! I HATE THIS WORLD!!!!! How can they allow some random person who doesn’t like me to do that? And by random, I suspect my neighbor.

I want to go destroy something.

And also with all the school fees, fines, food, and utilities, my loan money is almost gone. And that job I thought I would get, I did not get… Now what to do…?

I just went from sadness to chaos to rage to more chaos AND rage to wtf to hopeless to hopelessly “what the effe…”

Now What…?

MAI

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